FiSh

2011-02-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

Finally got my charcoal drawing done.

We will get through it..

2011-02-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

It's dawn now. I still don't feel like going to sleep. As I have been playing the same song 年度之歌 in my player for hours, I decided to search on the composer: Christopher Chak.

I was suprise as he is the composer for 富士山下, one of my very favourite songs too.

It's very hard to get such good song in this generation, I am glad that I could still a chance to listen to it.

His name is 泽日生 in mandarin, sounds very artistic. And he as a blog, hence I decided to follow his blog, meanwhile write something down in my blog as well.

It's been a tough time for me these few days, the feelings of mine are so complicated. Thank to the songs I have been listening, they do calm me down a little bit, wishing that every thing will be settled down soon.. And I do believe: We all can get through whatever obstacles we face, as long as we don't give up.

悔与恨

2010-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

我尝试过，跌过，伤过，痛过，累了，伤口慢慢好了，以为没事了，所以又在去尝试。。又在受伤了。。
到底要伤了几回才会死心，才会不再去尝试？每回伤到最痛时，都会告诉自己不会有下一次，但是却没做到。剩下的，大概只有悔与恨。。

*最怕的不是难以抉择，而是无从选择*

世界的另一端

2010-03-25T10:59:00.001-07:00

真的不想只待在这里了，很想到外头的世界去看看，去听听，去学学。。

希望有个对的人可以陪我到外面的世界走走。。。

在找油画的样本时，无意发现了这。。。

new things...

2010-03-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

Finally the long 2-month holiday has come.. it's super for me to do what i love to do instead of doing what i 'have' to do..
Be frankly, all these while i have been doing what i should do -> studying and try my best to pass and score well in the exam..

this holiday .. something new..
1. oil painting
2. internship in aesthetic clinic
3. help my sis and bro in their work
4. cont my learning on violin!!

yipee... it's nice to have holiday~~

today is the day...

2010-03-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

today is the last day of my prof exam, now i have just done my short case clinical examination and inside the post-ex quarantine room..surrounding me are those med students discussing about those cases and examiners they got.
well.. my examiner is one of the legandary .. Chin's crother. who i nvr met before... and i heard.. he is kinda strict.. well, doesnt matter, cant care so much, waiting to 12 to know whether i can pass or faill the short case examination. and.. i want PAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!! god bless!!

thoughout this study month, i guess it's one of my hard time in my life, i cant again recall how many time dint i shed my tear while starring on the stars ,wishing to go home if i pass..
and yesterday, i finally broke down and shouted on one of my friends, who was trying to convince me not to study and start to practise.. feel so sorry for not controlling my emotion.. and thank her for understanding me..

that's why, im going to enjoy to 200% tonight...go crazy man!!! yipeee....

i love my friend nadiah - she;s awesome!

im gonna belanja her makan tonight :) <<

the closest yet the furthest

2009-09-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

2 more days i will be going back to Sandakan, it's making me sick of my own home, my sis's room(the place i used to sleep in), my sis's bed, my family, my pets...

After a long while in my holiday, finally I met him today. We had a dinner in Sichuan restaurant... He looks older this time, and i found like we have nothing to talk with each other.All in a sudden, i feel like the gap between us is getting much more wider... though I know he is a very busy person, even this time,he looks so tired but still trying to free up some time to have dinner together...

Looking at him, i feel like this person is so strange and so far away from me... it makes me miss the quondam him so so much,when he was young, when he wasnt that busy,when he dint earn so much...

i know this day will come eventually, when we both gets elder, gets more mature, having our own lives, then our distance will be getting further..... but i never expect the day to come so fast... sadly but true, the quondam him has been fading away from my memory.

'Time changes nothing, only when the people choose to change..'

He has changed, and maybe I have changed too.. just that I only realised his changes, but not mine...

I dont have the gut to tell him, BUT can I rewind the time?

10 January 2009

2009-01-12T06:25:00.001-08:00

Woooo… day goes on. Eventually got the chance to jot down something happened these few days…
1. Finally, I have done my monthly test of nervous system and mental health. To be honest, I was so nervous this time. I dint know that I was so stressed till today’s morning. Not even know what I was doing the previous night, kept on waking up intermittently throughout the night to study, which ended up with vomiting twice this morning.
It is very common to see me having the symptom of nausea as in the so-called ‘morning sickness’ (haha… this is what my friends used to call it) when I don’t have enough sleep and I’m stressed. But, this morning, instead of nausea, I actually vomited out the yellow-colour-bile-stained stuff: indicating that I was starving for the whole night. It signaled me that I was really in stress *.*
When I had the exam, I was not able to write a fluent sentence properly although I did know what I wanted to write, besides, I also had the problem to retrieve the specific vocabulary that I memorized before. So, just dint do well in the exam. Hopefully, this kind of thing wont happen on me for the coming monthly test anymore, sort of destructing argh…

2. Recommending you guys the books from John C. Maxwell. I’m reading one of his books: ‘Winning with people’. From the book, I learn a lot. Learning how to deal with people, how to deal with my own emotion, how to deal with conflicts. But there’s still a long long way to go, because I seldom my spend time to sit still and read a book, and I have a lot of book (just love to buy come nice books once I get into bookshop), and I have a habit of selective reading. Thus, ended up with a few of books with me which are not completed reading. Anyway, I will finish them one day.. perhaps. Muahaha….

Ever, there’s a funny thing happened when I went into the bookshop. There’s a norm for me to straight away walk to the ‘self help’ section, the only section that I am interested in the bookshop. However, when I went to the bookshop with my friends, they would laugh at me, fooling me saying that I have some mental problem… well, I wont deny it either..kakaka…
Just wanna tell you guys, the things you can learn from a book is really uncountable. By spending a little money you earn dozens..

3. and…. I miss my dog again. Very very miss him. Wish to go back home as soon as possible to see him @.@

喜欢一个人的期限到底可以维持多久？

2008-12-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

常常看过。。。一个人‘喜欢’上另外一个人，就充满憧憬地等待，期盼，甚至做些傻事只为了让对方开心，有些会鼓起勇气地去告白，有些却永远会在一旁傻傻地等，因为一段悄悄的等待往往会是那段感情最美满的结局。
然而，又有一件事会经常发生的，那就是梦想与憧憬幻灭的时候，当希望不再可盼的时候。。。那些时刻是可怕的。因为人类最害怕就是拥有希望，因为希望往往就如梦幻泡影般，随时会‘噗’一声，消失于空气中。当人们遇到这样的情景时，选择的，通常就是放弃，过了一两个月，新的目标出现了，心里又会对另一个人有好感,当然也不会对过往的那段感情抱有太多的亏欠；起码这是我惯性看到的。太多同样的例子让我不以为然地用‘人们’来概括一切。

我不会形容这些人为软弱或是经不起考验，唯一会有的感觉是 --- 他们还不懂的真心地去喜欢一个人。不是他们的问题，而是在于个人观点。从我的角度出发，喜欢一个人，即使谈不上‘爱’，也不应该那么的肤浅。

‘感觉’可以很快就消逝。但是‘感情’不会。
‘爱一个人’是一份感情的投资，一个不求回报的投资。
‘对一个人有好感’ 是份感觉。
而‘喜欢一个人’，悬挂于两者之间，有些人将之定义偏向‘爱’，有些人倒觉得和‘对一个人有好感’没啥出入。大概身边的人都是后者吧。。。 *懊恼*

在现代年轻人的字典里，男女朋友之间的关系，就像个互补的凹凸。你需要我，我需要你，两个人就在一起。一旦供应与需求达不到正比时，感情也不再来得甜蜜可靠。那可要想清楚：当你为一个人付出时，那只是在填补心底的那空缺，让凹点不再深陷？还是真心的，纯粹想对那个人好?

* 事实是残酷的，偏偏,我们又无法逃离残酷世界的凌虐 *

2008-12-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

20.12.2008
Was writing the blog in mandarin just now, but ended up deleted it and decided to write it in English. Cause it’s always much more faster to write in English.

I was about to say: ppl is always very conflicted. When they don’t have something, they will wish so so much to get it. When they have it, they will be sort of neglecting the things that they own. Is it actually human nature? I’m not so sure bout it.

Anyway, that statement doesn’t really well related with what I wanna tell in this blog. Supposedly, I should write this blog last night. But, after going to Christmas Carnival at Gaya street yesterday, I was so so tired till tat I ‘fainted’ once I reached my hostel room. And for today, I’m ratherish exhausted now after having family day from the early morning till the late afternoon and award ceremony at night. However, I know tat if I don’t write down my feeling now. Probably I won’t be able to write it out after a few days pass by.

Actually I received my result yesterday. Unexpectedly I score better than I thought of. When I first saw the result showing on computer screen, I felt surprised dominantly. Then I received the result slip. I felt slightly of happiness. Then I went out and first >> hugged my roommate, Jun, one of the ppl who accompany me throughout the last final exam, giving support among each other….

After that, ppl started to ask me about my result, of course, nothing to hide; I just showed them the slip. Didn’t mean to show off or what, just simply think that even I purposely don tell, ppl will still know from my roommates. And I did think that there must be dozens of ppl who score better than me. Then my coursemates started to shake my hand and congratulate me *for me, the situation is kinda like wat celebrity having show… sort of shocked and started to feel uncomfortable @.@*

Instead of acting cool, I thanked each of them and wished them to get great result. What I was really thinking was >> if my result is like this, many more ppl can score better than me. It’s a NORM since I came in medical school. I’m really not that kind of clever or hard working ppl, have never tried to be out-standing too.

After a short while, I knew the results of some of my friends.
Some did score good result *although that person ‘she’, kept on whining after the exam.. hahaha….*
While some do not…

There the conflicted feeling of mine came, I dint seem like study as much as some of my friends. *again, really sincerely speaking, not showing off .. arghh…*
Cause I usually take my time to sleep and eat and sleep back again, every time when I try to study, the book is just like the hypnotizing spell.. I can ‘for sure’ fall asleep within half an hour if I don’t walk here and there while reading the book or lecture notes..
At the same time, guiltiness came too. Many of them even work harder than me, and know much much more than me. For instance, their lives have lesssssss sleeping than mine, I will always have lots of doubts before going into the exam hall, basically was kinda blank mind, with very little knowledge, even unable to give an example of antifungal drug..OmG~~
They really teach me lots of things and help me out when I have any doubts. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve that sort of result.

No one can actually understand me more than myself. No matter instinct or rational, they tell me the same thing : I got this kind of result was just simply god-blessed, the ang gong that ‘boh bih’ me, my ancestors… or maybe angels (cause I really believe in angels *o* )
**especially thank to them.. kam xia kam xia~~~

But when I told ppl about tat, they just think tat I was kidding with them. Argh.. I’m seriously depressed because of that… don’t doubt at me please… this kind of pressure is really very very scaring. Please stop torturing me.. I just wanna be a Happy Koeh Pig throughout my medical life… working harder as possible for my family and my dearest. No more other thoughts, just trying to be simple…

21.12.2008
Today is ‘dang jek’ which is 冬至 in mandarin.
Ppl will make tang yuan the night before and have it on that day. But since all of us (my coursemates and I) were so busy at night before, we decided to make it on tonight. After some of them have finished discussing their debate, we finally could gather together to 搓汤圆. It was actually very great to have many friends gather together and have fun, chit chat, saying funny pointless stuffs…
Those guys even came out with the idea of making 年糕 on new year, 月饼on mooncake festival, or 肉粽 on dragon boat festival.. kakakak… naïve thought but really made me laugh out happily…

It’s good to see coursemates gather around, even with some juniors. We always gather when we were in first year. But when getting older, each one seems getting busier on their own stuffs, studying, paktohing, whatever… just hardly get a chance to meet up. But now, we started to gather back again. Kinda happy to see this =)

Keep it on guys~~~~ and … still gotta jia you together oh!!!

Im back.. to sabah =.=''

2008-12-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

The time now : 0833

I should be having class right now. But, ‘fortunately’ the lecture is ‘again’ missing for a reason that I don’t know. So, this is the best time for me to online with the ‘extremely fast’ line in my class (still not as fast as the line at my home).

Supposedly, I should change my lifestyle this semester, but I seem getting lazier.
Lack of motivation, lectures’ getting more difficult (or maybe I’m so lazy to spend my time and try to understand it)… anyway, I’m deteriorating!! Omg~ omg~ omg~~~~~

Gonna celebrate Christmas here, new year here.. it doesn’t sound great. But instead of making myself miserable during those celebration times, I rather plan well to celebrate it.
SO…..

This coming Friday >> GAYA street Christmas celebration
Christmas Eve >> Countdown at somewhere else (at sabah)
……

The rest.. still thinking, wish to make it works!!

The New ME?!?!

2008-12-09T06:39:00.001-08:00

Counting down: still left 4 days to go, then I will be back to Sabah to start the second sem of my second year medical life.

It doesn’t sound fine to me as me myself really damn love the life at home which I can do whatever I like (sleeping & eating). Always, I used to have dozens of unwillingness for going back to Sabah. Now, I even have more, because I did spend this holiday happily at home, which has less quarrel with family (compared to those previous holiday, I think this time is the least), more playing with my dog, more enjoyment…

No matter what, ‘accept, instead of resist it’ << Easonchan
Instead of resisting the going-to-start school time, I rather think of what I should do for the coming semester…

Gotta be more hardworking (revise the lectures after class, NOT sleeping /gossiping!!)
Gotta be more disciplined (wake up when the alarm rings…)
*well… frankly, only can make it once in a while, like 3 times a year.. hahaha.. *siasui*
Gotta play more in this semester (how can and to happen at once?!?! Hahaha….)
Less emotional …. A pretty hard task for me =.=
Less daydreaming in class/ while studying
…etc… many more.. just I cant think of it now..

Hopefully, another new semester, a better KOEH…
All the Best!! Salut!!!

缺角的帡图

2008-11-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

觉得今天的我做了很多事（大概是因为自己太懒惰了吧？）

1．看了一本蔡志恒的《孔雀森林》；
太多的领悟，百感交集。。。
2．和一个从perak的朋友一起去吃tomyam，原本alice也应该在场，但是胃痛，等了一个小时，她还没吃到，就定不顺，先走人了
真的对她很抱歉，怎样说都是我把她叫出来的。衷心地在向她道多一次歉: 对不起了，老友！！！
3．很主动地和一位朋友chatting （平时都很懒得主动开口）,怎知她并不在；在线上的是她哥哥，无所谓，也是认识的，就chat chat loo…
因为太久没见面，他说我的样貌变了很多，不像以前的我，*有点好奇自己是否真的变了*
4．又开始写稿了，写了几百个字后，发现根本无法专心，电脑播着的歌不停打断我的思绪，干脆把播着的歌全部换成从朋友那儿拿来的音乐盒音乐，起码没有歌词，容易专心点。
听着，写着，发现mood 也没了，也写不下去。就索性放弃。。。改回再写吧。。。
然后再把播着的歌换成eason 的歌。*听到他的声音，觉得很舒服*

假期对我而言，应该啥都甭干，天天呆在家里是我最大的心愿，什么都甭想。

发现这两天的自己有点怪怪的，心里以为是为了一件事而操心，然而那件事都解决了，但还是有点闷闷不乐。虽然没表现出来，但自己还是就了解自己的，起码我很了解自己情绪。
何况，明天我的死党会从KL 回来，期盼着这天很久了，应该很开心才对的，但。。。
她还问我兴奋吗，我还是勉强的说自己很兴奋。。*希望看见她时，心情会变好吧*

很努力地尝试让自己开心点，但就是办不到。也许是喜欢那闷闷不乐的自己。

有种感觉，觉得自己像是缺了角的帡图，找不到那个缺了的角？还是不想找？

the fire blog!! whow.....

2008-11-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

4.01am 31/10/08

(don’t know when gonna post this up.. maybe after exam lo.. now cant online….)

Actually I was thinking to write this blog in mandarin, but since I really lazy to type in mandarin. Finally I made up my mind to write in English rojak with maybe lots of hokkien, mandarin, malay or maybe other my own created language… just to make my description closer to what had happened in reality.

I should study at this point of time. Cause I have spent 6 hours to clean up my room and reply my friend’s and family’s message. ‘trying to comfort them while they were trying to comfort me =p’
But the event happened just now, I told myself: MUST WRITE IT down… too rarely for it to happen in my life..
*I hope that this was the first time and the last time la please….. @.@*

So now… the story begins, why did I clean up my room for 6 hours just 3 days before my final exam? Too free liao hor? Or nothing to do? Erm…. It was because… My room was ON FIRE!! Phew… first time fire happened on my own place..

*************************************************************************
due to certain reason, cant tell you all what had happened in this part. just that: i was not in the room as the main point!

Wasn't in my room, i went out....
AFTER A WHILE..received agnes’s call ..

‘ wei… ni de fang jian zhao huo le…’

Oh shit... (again heart thinking --- she cheats me one la...mana got so ‘ngam’ one..)…(but heard lots of ppl talking around her.. whoa.. sounds serious geh..)

‘OKok.. hen yan zhong ma? Wo xian zai hui qu… '

SO.... go back lo... apa lagi... feeling weird on the way back… then agnes called again:

'wei… bu yao shang lai..'
'?!?!?! Har.. zhuo mo?? '
' You felo ar…. '

Then… still decided to go upstairs… met the felo… talked to them. Know that they gonna punish me liao de la.. still gotta face it what?

Went upstairs.. wa… so many electricianS + technicianS..
Whoa Whoa… *O* speechless *o*
Saw the condition in my room… whoa (lagi)… I pun tak tau nak cakap apa … =.= llll SO SERIOUS AH!!!!!!!

Well, bo huat!! Happened liao ah… Cry/ feeling sad also no use.. but think of my final is coming.. really ‘huan zhu’ liao lo this time!!…. (*remark: for those who don’t talk my language mia kawan .. ‘huan zhu’ = sweet potato in hokkien..it means : a very bad condition, but there’s no solution for that)

So….. ended up, I spent 6 hours to (**they go in sequence):

clean up my room (dint actually clean up pun la… cause too dirty to clean up liao.. just carry out my stuffs to cabut)
Sambil… comfort my parents & my family.. tell them I am fine.. don know why once heard my mum’s voice, feeling like wana cry out anneh geh…
move from my room to alice’s room… (argh, basically is decamp la… cause I really decided to abandon my room liao.. the dusty condition = macam after ‘dust’ storm)
collect my clothes… (my cupboard was opened at the time when they tried to put out the fire… so.. all are covered with dust) … tomorrow send to laundry liao lo.. (everytime save money, wash with my own hands, now sekali gus let him earn my $$$ @,@ kek sim..economic crisis, no money liao ar…)
**** 6 big big bags of my clothes with lots of dust are now outside the room, at the corridor… too dirty to keep it in alice room, or too ‘clean’ to keep in my dusty room
jumpa pengetua kampong (she was watching ‘who wanna be a model’.. @.@ kena scolded(don un why..T.T) and she said… awak mungkin kena buang college next sem !…Waliao!!!So serious meh?
take bath… wash some of my clothes for tomorrow.. cause really no cloth to wear liao T.T
apologise to my roommates… since I dint jaga baik baik the room.. Somehow, should be responsible for that
reply my friends’ messageSSssss

all the things of mine…. With a strong smell of CARBON + DUST… hopefully wont get coal worker’s pneumoconiosis (if dont un, search on wiki la ya!! hahaha..)…

Carbon-dust Storm!!!!!! It was an unforgetful experience… many people will think it’s very sui la.. happened right few days before final examination.. But then I think it is just an experience looo. Not very bad la.. I’m still alive wat…

Tomorrow of mine will always be better la… =)

whoa… spent always an hour for this blog already… gotta end now liao..

Features ---
Whoa… nearly forget to tell my dearest readers why my room was on fire…
Erm… basically it’s due to short circuit of current, then the main switch burned off… then since no one realized… then it keeps on burning n burning n burning ~~~~~~ till the room opposite of mine saw it and started to scream lo…

in conclusion… erm… Just an Accident lo..

Acknowledgement (macam doing assignment anneh):

Thanks to 4 important persons in this ‘tragedy?’…
Alice , agnes , lee chian and karleen.. they really helped me out la… helping me to clean up the messy place,all become kotor kotor already… feeling sorry for that…
alice lagi cook bihun for me… *gam tong*.…

owe them a meal of secret recipe then@.@

wanna say something : 人生因为这样的不完美，而变得精彩, 而变得完美！！

Story ends…
----FIN----

2008-11-13T21:52:00.000-08:00

it's been a long long time i dint post my stuffs on here.. So.. just sekali gus post it la. easier for me

1254 26th April 2008

‘What is inside an empty heart? Air? Abundance of dreams? Or just nothing?’

Started to feel scared, without knowing the reasons, scared of human beings? scared of what people say? Scared of examinations? Scared of getting into an intimate relationship?
In conclusion, scared of getting hurt?
Human thought they are tough, and yet, they are so vulnerable. They can be hurt easily, even by several simple words, or what people have done on them. And me, I am not tough, I admit it.

Sometimes, I think what I scared the most is a feeling of lost. Lost of the meanings of running my life, lost of the motives, purposeless life, I live because I don’t wanna die. But I don’t know whether I wanna live on or not. Crazy mind without the soul.

Whining about why I am lost, I really wish to find my way out of this funk, as soon as possible.

26/10/08
First of all, I would like to stress that… this blog is written on 26/10/08, which is one week before by final exam. Supposedly, I should be studying hard now, flipping my lecture notes or the dearest Robbins. But, obviously I am not. Feeling guilty for sleeping for more than 12 hours a day, I’m actually writing this blog for an autocriticism. Erm… I know I shouldn’t sleep for so many hours when the exam is just right at the corner, I have been trying hard not to do so, yet, still failed …

Well well… I promise, I still study hard by heart from now. No more perfidy, I will definitely follow what I said before, and what I pledged before.

I hereby pledge that I will study hard for the coming days,
I will only sleep for maximum 6 hours a day!!!(a must follow rule!)
I will not have so much daydreamings…
I will focus fully on study.
I will speed up my reading speed… to at least 6 lectures a day.

And lastly, I will implement those sworn promises !!

Under the witness of me and angles, this document is now legally approved and inured!!

Jia you jia you jia you…

**remark: on 14/11. post mortel of my exam, i did realise those promises. but i dint keep my effort till the last day of my exam. feeling sorry to myself.... *guilty*

29/10/08

A sense of Gratitude
creates a better You…

Today is actually a very happy day for me. Although I still have a pile of lecture notes to read through, and probably can’t finish it before the exam comes, but I received a good news from my coursemate: the timetable is confirmed!!yea!!!! gonna go back on 14 nov!!!

Yea yea yea yea!! It was a ‘striking damn good’ news for me, who have been missing for my dog and those extremely delicious food in my hometown. Immediately, I called my sis and asked her to book the flight ticket for me. While laughing happily in my friend’s room, of course, I sent messages to share with my friends about this happy event!!!! And also, too impatient to wait, I sms my mum, asking her to eat dim sam together the next morning after I reach home. Well, I thought my mum will think that I already ‘naik gila’ , and won’t reply my message, however, she did reply me after several hours I sent the message to her!!!!

Her funny message >>> Sure! Good Good Good……

Wow…. Overwhelmed with surprise + happiness + excitement …. A happy day for me just before the coming stressful examination!!

While seeking for those best things that you don’t have,
Look at those dozens great things that you have.

GoodBye T.T

2008-06-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

it's 02/06 now.which means there are only seven more days to waste.then i wil go back to a place.which besides reading( something i like),nothing can interest me.
although im home now.i feel empty.but at least i can do watever i wan.i can play til the next early morning,go to bed,lie on the queen size bed,in the air conditioned room.wake up only when i wanna wake up.slp only when i wana slp.cook my lovely tomyam with the stove.can take bath during the middle of the night,dont have to afraid of lady-killer or orang minyak or ghost?can stil have heater even the sun outside is shining.i can play with my dog.talk to him about my stuffs(i know he might not un).......ops...and!!!something important!!!!!here has something called WIRELESS!!no blindspot like there does!i can always ONLINE~~~T.T
argh..comeon...XD!!i just cant get rid of this kind of life...

wanna scream out loudly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

studying hasnt been to be a good thing to me.and i guess it wil nvr be.but i stil cant imagine my future life when im working in a XXXhospital or XXXclinic or XXXcompany...
argh!miserable arrrr.....

started to imagine~~~oo...ooo...

life and death

2008-05-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

I am lucky,i am still alive...

kind of emotional today.yea...getting used to the shirley that i know 20 years ago.
looking on those news,videos,pictures about sichuan earthquake,my heart is in pain.other ppl feel sad because of how much ppl died in this disaster.but i feel sad because of those ppl who have survived.they are too pity.especially those kids.they've lost their family,their parents,their home..the world is so ironic..ppl who dont wanna stay alive.they suicided themselves.ppl who wan to stay alive,they died because of disasters,accidents,diseases.many ppl think they can control what they want and what don want.but the lord,god,has never passed this right to anyone of them.

i couldnt know when i wil die..i live my life today.i have been trying so hard to get what i wish to have.but..apparently,i stil have to bow to the god,who actually grasps on my neck,determining my life and death.

the E night,17may

2008-05-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Although it was a very short period,but really memorable.the night i spent,waiting him to appear at time sq,singing together with him,on my way to KLIA in Kenny's car,waiting to send him off at KLIA...i cant really accept tat he has appeared in front of me,shaked my hand for twice in a day,talked to me with his damn friendly smile....

those words he has said to me when he signed my poster..

E said: "hi..''

i replied : ''hihi...''(very kean cheong at tat time =P)

E said: ''oo..hi..hi...'' smiling while signing poster..

me: ....(don know wat to say,really very nervous..)

E said: (he saw my hand holding his cds+while shaking my hand) ''个cd,下次再帮你签啊..thank you''

..................been shaking my hand for a looooong time @.@ (i was blessed~~)

Eason is absolutely cute,adorable... after tat night,i really miss him.while wishing tat i can meet him again,i've also promised myself...to study hard,so,when he comes,i can play hard at tat time also...

By the way, wanna praise myeason fansclub(MYEC)..those fans in the club are damn nice,damn funny,damn good...very scared when i first saw them.don know wat to say..but after mixing well with them..whoa..everyone is oso tat cute,tat crazy..just like Eason Chan..they are really great fans.maybe they have the same interest as mine~~~who also really like eason very much.so i found them are really very friendly,i like the way they talk,the way they fool around!!!

Salut!!!MYEC!!!!

one more thing to write about eason's fans..
jason: very pandai shoot 人,but actually a damn kind person

jennifer: 好酷如果不说话，好搞笑如果讲话。。整天都在讲话，所以。。。

kate: don ken cheong,actually you can really sing very well...

ycy: 傻掉，when i saw her holding eason-signed ticket,very happy saying:我得o左..very happy

jeff: 定不顺，太搞笑啦。。

jeff 的侄仔：very geng,super active geh 鱼佬。。。

damwong: holding camera,very pro...

cant remember all...write til here first la..anyway,thanks alot MYEC!!!

support music;
support eason...

生命,也许曾经灿烂

2008-05-11T03:59:00.000-07:00

徐徐的阳光，透过向着南方的窗口，洒在那粉黄色的床单上。慵懒的，我睁开了我的双眼，看见了那粉蓝色的天花板。心里对自己说：又是另一个奇迹发生了，到底自己还有多少机会可以享受这种根本无法用言语来形容的喜悦？这种每天都发生在大家身上，平常人根本都不会去留意的琐事，对我而言，却是上天赐给我的奇迹。以前的我，也不会在乎到底需不需要醒来，但是。。。现在的我，只要一睁开眼睛，就一定不会再让自己闭上眼睛，害怕的是，再也醒不来。。。

眼泪从眼角滑下，盘算着这是第几次落泪了，但真的想不起，也许是不敢去揪起那些难过的回忆吧。拖着无力的躯体，逼自己下床，看见枕头上的头发，似乎比昨天掉的更多了些。用手指推走遗留在眼角的泪珠，便赶紧的把枕头上的头发一根一根的捡起来丢进旁边的垃圾桶，好像是想把自己五年来那同样的困扰给丢掉。心里总是努力的说服自己，一定要撑下去，无论多么的痛苦，无论多么的煎熬，无论多么的委屈。。。

依然清晰的记得那五年前的我，过的是多么的奢侈，并不是物质上的享受，但是却是光阴的虚度。的确很羡慕当初的我，日子无忧无虑的，想做什么就做什么，可以在温和的阳光下奔跑，和好友们一起去爬山，坐在电脑前面上网直到半夜才甘心上床睡觉。然而，现在这一切的一切，对我而言，却是无论我多么努力的祈祷和盼望都不可能得到的。。。曾经问过上天好几万次同样的问题，一个似乎永远没有答案的问题：世界上六十亿人口，为什么偏偏得选上我？为什么？为什么？

以前常常对很多人说过这么的一番话：如果不曾拥有，就不会害怕失去。。。为什么老天爷让我拥有了那么多，却一声也不哼的，把所有原本属于我的东西都没收回了？为什么要让我尝试拥有的滋味？是我犯下了什么错误为得要让您这样的对我吗？身边的人都是那样的安慰我的，说那是上天给我的考验，让我明白生命的可贵，让我更懂得珍惜身边的人。他们不想看见我如此的受苦，看着我痛苦的过活却没啥能帮上忙的，只好说那些鼓励我的话，话是听进耳里了，但却不是心里。。。

五年前发现自己得了血癌，几乎无法承受。求了那主治医生好久，他坦然地告诉我大概只有四年时间。当时的我几乎濒临崩溃，父母知道了这消息后，也一样大受打击。好多次企图想要了结自己的生命，不想让自己提心吊胆的过日子，那种感觉的确很折腾，也很难受。每天被病魔困扰着，每一晚都被吓醒；看着药盒里头的药，五颜六色的，总有种感觉是想把过去健康日子时错过的药给补上似的。当初那段岁月也不晓得是怎样熬过的，每回美工刀持在左手的手腕上，最终还是会打消了想离开这花花世界的念头，大概心中最不舍的是他们吧。毕竟他们陪了我十九年的时间，也许也是我陪了他们十九年；当时的他们，也不曾真正的想拥有个孩子，一个三十七，一个三十五，谁也没想过会在这时候怀了个女儿。医生见她都已算是个高龄产妇了，身体向来都很虚弱，而且本身又有心肌衰弱的问题，胎儿又不稳定，也劝她赶紧做个终止怀孕的手术，但是她就是不肯。是她的坚持，把我带到这个世界，让我过了一段漫长幸福的日子。。。

还记得我在六岁时听起爸爸提起那故事，好奇的问了她个问题：妈，为什么要这样辛苦把我生下?爸说。。。你那时候很难受的不是吗？一个不懂事小孩问的问题，却得到最真心，诚恳地回答：妈什么都不懂，只知道从你在我肚子里开始有心跳的那一刻，你就是我的孩子，妈有责任一直的保护你，直到妈妈不在的那一天。。。当时的我，根本就没听懂她的那番话，只是觉得那眼泛泪光的双眸，是想告诉我，她是爱我的。

直到那次，最后一次萌生了想了结生命的时候，看见桌上的全家福，忽然脑海里浮现了那画面，当她从医生的口中听见了诊断的那一天。那时，她一滴眼泪都没掉过，很冷静的问了医生有关的治疗，反而爸却在旁边偷偷的落泪。那天晚上，整个世界似乎比一般来得更宁静，疲惫的身体，红肿的双眼，有点不想再流泪的冲动，眼帘中的世界竟是黑白的画面。还记得，那天晚上房间的灯火，没熄过。。。看着灯光，觉得那是希望，更希望自己可以快点入睡，醒来后可以对自己说：那只是一场梦，梦醒了，现实的生活会是一样的色彩斑斓。但那一夜的我并没睡着，深夜三点多了，朦胧的世界里，听见了陌生的声音，陌生的，并不是那声线，而是我从来没听过的抽嚏声。悄悄的，我打开房门，沿着那声音，走向二楼的栏杆，往下看去那纳米色的沙发上，坐着她。迷蒙的双眼，看见她大腿上依着两三本相簿。。。那是我十四年来头一回看见她流泪，看见她哭，心里像是被刺伤了好几十刀似的，好痛好痛。那一夜的我，心在淌血，却始终没有勇气走近她。。。真的很想对她说句：妈，对不起。。。是她让我觉得我根本没有资格了结自己的生命，是她让我觉得这个世界上，有一个人很需要我，我不能就这样丢下她。自私也好，贪心也罢，我只想向上天乞讨让我活下去的权利，让我还可以陪伴在他们的身边。。。

活着，痛苦的也许只是我驱壳上的折磨，但是，离开了，却是他们心灵上的折腾。。。如今过的每一天，都是因为有了上天的眷顾。怨恨的，埋怨的，都尝试过了。再如何眷恋以往快乐的岁月都好，床旁的轮椅，桌上的药盒，像框里他们的面容，提醒了我一档事，原地踏步，驻步回首，执著于永远都摸不清，甚至根本就不存在的未来，倒不如瞧瞧现在的自己可以做些什么，为了自己，或是为了他们都好。。。

拥有不是必然，失去并不可叹。。。